Saturday, March 31, 2012

What if there had been a Francesca?

Last night I fell asleep on the sofa. And I stayed there all night. It's been a long time since I've done that. Hubby was sleeping in at the firehouse, so after the kids were in bed, I snuggled up on the sofa with a blanket and put in my ear buds and started playing the Hunger Games audio book. Since I'd seen the movie that afternoon, I wanted to go back and compare it to the book. I scrolled through to find the point at which I'd stopped reading the book -- around chapter 4 -- to pick up there, but I gave up and just listened. And before I knew it I was out.

I woke up a few times, too groggy to get up and go to my own bed. So, there I stayed, waking every now and then and covering my eyes to block the light. But, apparently I fell into a deep enough sleep for some intense dreaming. When I woke up, I was having a really weird dream. I was in the postpartum area at the hospital - as a patient. I'd just given quintuplets!!!!

There were three boys and two girls. I didn't stay long and was soon heading home. I don't remember even seeing the boy babies, but one girl was very quiet and mellow. I said I wanted to name her Bailey. I always liked that name. The other girl was immediately. She was supposed to just be a few days old, but was constantly smiling and holding her head up. She had a head full of light brown hair, sparkling eyes and a cute little nose. My sister-in-law held her up in this cute pink flowery sleeper and said she thought we should call her Francesca. I agreed. She and my sister were the only ones that would talk to me and who were happy. Everyone else was very hostile and angry that we'd had more kids. The boys were outside hunting for Easter eggs. And then I woke up.

I have crazy dreams quite often. I remember at one time reading something saying that when you have a vivid dream, it is related to something you thought of or talked about during the previous day. I'm not sure if I thought of anything that day that would make that dream make sense, but I've read a few blogs and articles lately that talked about the guilt of wanting a child of the same sex (a mom wanting a daughter, a dad wanting a son) and another about mourning a child you'd never have (again, written by a mom wanting a daughter) and   I've just seen a couple other posts on that topic lately.

I have all boys. I love them with all my heart, but the more I see such articles and posts, I realize it's not uncommon to feel a little sad at not having a daughter. We are done having kids. There will never be a daughter. That's life. That's the way it is. I still love mothering sons. But I admit I still get a weird little twinge when I see prom dresses on display or a little girl getting her nails done. Sometimes I feel like that should be me shopping with my daughter.

As a child, I never envisioned my life without a daughter in it. I grew up with sisters. I had nieces that I hung out with and babysat. I was so familiar with little girls. I was good at being around little girls. I wanted to be around little girls. I was supposed to have one of my own. But, I didn't. And I won't. I wouldn't trade my little guys for anything. Once you have a child, you can't imagine what life would be without them. Sometimes I just wonder how different life might be...if I'd been a mom to a little girl like me.

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