Sunday, August 2, 2015

Half way there

Ya know. I think I've hit mid-life. If you look at the numbers, I have. I'm 42. I am most likely at the half-way point, give or take a few years. I intend on living to be a sassy old lady in my 80's who still dances on tables at weddings. I say this as if I have ever danced on a table at a wedding. I envision my old self as myself now, but way cooler.

This realization brings with it certain questions. Like have I learned from the first half? Have I accomplished what I set out to do? What's left that I want to do? Is it too late to do some things? Am I doing the things I really want to do or am I doing them for other reasons? What else do I feel compelled to do? What kind of legacy do I want to leave? Am I making a difference in this world? Have I done anything of importance? Have I failed at what I've tried to do?

I think I'm kind of feeling that I'm in this weird space where I accomplished a lot of what I wanted to do too early. A lot of people fall into volunteering later in life when they have the luxury of spare time during their golden years. I started getting involved in my community and doing a lot of volunteering in my mid-20's. Now I'm getting burned out on it.

I wanted to become an author and I've so far authored six books. I should feel accomplished having met that goal and gone beyond it, but I feel like maybe I should have gone about it differently. I feel like the books should have been more successful or that I should have done more to make them more successful. It feels like it was so much more work than it should be for such a small return. Everything feels like so much more work than it should be.

It feels like at this point in my life I shouldn't have to work this hard for everything, but I feel like I'm working harder than ever to keep up. I don't want to have to work as hard hard in the second half. I want to have the luxury of time to do more of the things I really want to do and not what I have to or what's expected of me. But, you know how goes...if you have the time to do what you want, you don't have the money for it. If you have the money to afford to be frivolous, you don't have the time for it. And there's the whole anything worth doing is worth doing well and you don't get it without putting in hard work and sweat and tears....yadda, yadda. I don't know what's in store for part two as I go along, but I look forward to do. There's both a peace at this stage of being more relaxed about things, yet also a sense of urgency of running out of time. It's time to put all the cards out on the table and decide what I want to keep in my hand, what I should be holding onto tighter and what I don't mind letting go of.