Ok, I'll say it

Ok, I know I may face some criticism here, but I'm going to just say something. Something you might think, but you're not supposed to say out loud. I wanted a girl. I wanted boys, too. Actually, I always envisioned my family being complete with four - two boys and two girls. But, God had other plans. Those plans were for five boys - and no girls. And it really is a lovely, blessed and rowdy life.

Just because I'm admitting I wanted a girl, doesn't in any way lesson the tremendous love I feel for these darling little boys I brought into the world, it just means that once in a while I wish I had a daughter, too. Like yesterday when I was shopping. I was in the Fashion Bug dressing room and in walked a mom and daughter. They were giggling. They were trying on clothes and critiquing each other. They were making lunch plans. It has only happened a handful of times, but once in a while, when I see and hear a mother/daughter duo like that, I just get this pang - don't know how to describe it - I guess I just kind of feel cheated.

As a girl, I always looked forward to having a little girl of my own, who would grow to a big girl who I could go shopping with. Who would be the things I wasn't. And then I feel incredibly guilty for longing for that when I consider all that I have. I have so much and I feel terrible for missing what I don't have, even for a couple minutes in the dressing room of a clothing store. One day, I'll have a daughter-in-law and I hope we'll be close - and go shopping together and I'll have more than I ever wanted.

Just as I left the store, my husband sent a text that he and the boys were outside in the back yard while I was gone - catching a toad, spending time in the garage, using tools and making things with wood. For those few moments I was feeling pity and wishing I had a daughter - I want so much more for my husband to have that with his sons. Then another text  from my husband came at just the right time. "My money says they'll remember this day in 20 years." And of course, I sat in my car and sobbed. I have so many gifts, even if I don't have a shopping buddy. :)