Time out

Well, I haven't written a post for a couple weeks. Really, I've been quite busy. It was the end of the school year and there was a lot going on. Two of my boys had birthdays. One graduated from high school. We had a big graduation party last weekend. But more than that, I committed myself to writing a book and I hesitated a bit to sign the contract knowing it would come due at the busiest time of year for me. I kept getting nudges from the publisher and finally jumped in with that "I can do this" attitude. Usually, when I take on that attitude, I sail through. I knew it would mean things would be a bit hectic because of it, but I figured it was nothing I couldn't handle.

It's been way more work than I anticipated. I figured the advantage of being able to use digital photographs would make it so easy. In reality, it has made it 1000 times more work than when I did my last book. Photos are coming from dozens of different sources and people don't want to part with original photographs, so they e-mail them or they give me a poor quality scanned image printed on their home printer with thin paper. Then the publisher rejects them. It's just been a mess. It really has.

So, probably a quarter of the photos I was relying on using have been rejected, which means I'm back to square one and have to go back and start begging people to send me originals and on a very tight timeline. I'm frustrated and exhausted. I'm not the only one. Hubby blew up a little this morning at my neglecting everyone and everything as I've been absorbed in this project. And I know he's right. I have been neglecting so much. And I don't want to. Although I enjoy it so much being able to work at home like this, some days I think of how much easier it would be to drive to work, put in my time and come home - no strings attached. No sitting at a computer at 11 p.m. finishing up for a deadline or working on the weekend. Right now I just sooo need a break. So, I'm hoping it won't take up too much more of my time to muddle through and get this project completed so that it's something I'm proud to put my name on, not something I'm disappointed in and feel like it is not what I wanted it to represent. (And let me backtrack a little a say that I'm not saying working out of the house is easy or easier. I've done both. I know how hard it is. I just mean that working at home sometimes means you don't shut it off and punch out at the end of the day. It's ongoing. Both are difficult scenarios. Being a mom in any capacity is a difficult scenario. Period.)

And now I just want to collapse and take a break and time out to enjoy summer. By this time of year, we've usually done several trips to the pool. I haven't even bought passes yet. We've usually done some picnics by now and days at the park. There have only been a couple park stops and they were brief. I usually have our summer travel plans laid out. I haven't been able to even think about it yet. I missed all the kids end of school picnics and parties -- and I so love to go to them. I even had to give up another school activity I really loved - my weekly visits to read to my sons' classrooms.

This book project has consumed every bit of available time for weeks. I'm so over it. If it was going to yield a huge J.K. Rowling-like paycheck that would benefit my family in countless ways, I could justify all this lost time a little more. But, in reality, it's not going to be a lot. Not enough. I've sacrificed more than I planned by taking on this project. I need to get through the stretch and then take some time out. Then get absorbed back into my family and my kids and not being checked out because I've got this other big thing looming over my head. So, don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a while. And hopefully, very soon it will be because I'm at the beach or the park and not because I'm buried in papers and photo scans and chained to my computer. When it stops being fun and feels like you're chained and weighted down, it's time for some time out. And I'm so ready for it.

Dear younger self: Wear the bikini

Dear younger self.

I've seen many blogs written with that or a similar title. I've seen the topic discussed among writers groups. I've heard many country songs along those lines, pouring over regrets and the values the lyricists wished they'd adopted in their younger years or the risks they wished they'd taken. I think any adult can look back and say that there are things they wish they knew then that they know now. I certainly can think of quite a few things, both minor and life-changing. However, the first thing to come to mind when I thought of that question was this: Wear the bikini.

It sounds like a frivolous piece of advice, but it's one that I truly needed to hear back then. I was always a skinny little kid. It continued through high school. I recall that I weighed 98 pounds when I started high school and I was still wearing size 12 and 14 in little girls' clothing. I was just over 100 pounds when I graduated. And, believe it or not, I didn't like the way I looked. I certainly didn't feel like I wanted to show off my body in a two-piece bathing suit. (** a little side note here -- I just read last week about the creation of bikinis. They came about during World War II due to fabric rationing. Pretty interesting, huh?)

Throughout high school, I was very self-conscious and didn't like the way I looked. So many times I looked in the mirror and honestly thought to myself, "I look fat" -- and I was a mere 100 pounds. Of course, 20 years after high school, I realize that I was not fat in the slightest...and if I knew how far beyond 100 pounds I would get in later years, I would have had no problem getting myself to wear a bikini in public. I do recall one bikini I owned, but it wasn't until after high school and only because my sister gave it to me. Besides, it was more like what we would today call a tankini. It didn't expose much stomach and I only wore it a handful of times.

My point is...back then I spent so much time feeling bad about my appearance and my body and there was no need for it. I looked perfectly fine. Today, there's no way I'd be caught dead in a bikini and I wish I'd taken the chance to wear one when I would have looked good in it. Now that I feel more comfortable in my skin and can accept that I have a few rolls brought on by the living I've done and the babies I've carried, wearing a bikini isn't an option now. Send me off to a luxury spa with Jenny Craig to loose a bit and maybe - just maybe I'd change my mind, but I don't foresee that happening. And I'm ok with it. I now realize that although appearance is important, it isn't everything. If people look at you and don't like what they see, it's usually their problem and not yours. And I really wish I would have had that attitude at 16.

I just came across this picture of me -- all 90-something pounds of me...this would have been around the time I started high school. :)

Graduation Day

Well, it's been a big week for my oldest. Saturday he turned 18. Last night he graduated from high school. Two big steps in a matter of days. As a mom it's a mix of emotions. And I try to put myself in his shoes and wonder what he's thinking of and what his fears are and what he's excited about. It's kind of scary to try and commit at that age to a career path that you plan to do for the rest of your life. So many people change their minds and sometimes not until years in a career they find isn't a good fit. Over the past few months, his plans have changed several times. My dream for him was always for him to go away to a four-year university, but that's not what he has in mind. I think the idea of going away to school terrifies him. And I can suggest and nudge, but ultimately it's his decision and I can't make it for him and I can't force him into something that he's against doing. It would be nice if when someone asked his plans, he had it all worked out and was completely confident in what he wanted to be doing in 10 years. I'm a planner. I like to know what's coming up and what to expect and have things in place. Maybe that's more a female thing. I don't know. I just know that I want so much for him. He has plans and I'll continue to encourage him in those plans and on his road ahead.

Inching toward adulthood

I can't wrap my head around it. My firstborn is now a legal adult. He had his birthday over the weekend. Kind of a fiasco. He had told me he wanted to spend his 18th birthday at Wrigley Field. The Cubs were playing the White Sox, so that was a bonus. I secured some expensive tickets. Then he told me he had to work that day and the boss wasn't allowing switches. When he explained the situation, his boss told him he could be off if he found someone to cover his shift. He didn't. But...it turned out that Wrigleyville was a mess that day...swarming with Secret Service, roads closed, protesters inundating the city. My husband, who is a first responder, was worried and cautious about us going into Chicago anyway. So, he didn't get to spend his birthday there. He spent it at work. We'll make up for it by going to another game later in the season, but I know it won't be quite the same.

I just can't believe he's an adult now. He's depended on me for so long and he will continue to in many ways. It's sad. It's freeing. It's exhilarating. It's nostalgic. It's a lot of things rolled into one. He's a good kid...for the most part, anyway. Like any teenager, he's far from perfect and he's made mistakes, but overall he's been a joy most of the time. I don't feel like I had any really horrible times during his teen years. He didn't always do exactly what I'd like and didn't handle everything the way I'd like, but I'm very proud of the man he's becoming. I think many parents breathe a little sigh of relief if a son makes it to age 18 without getting arrested, getting into drugs or impregnating someone. There are for sure way bigger things to strive for, but those three can be pretty big problems with pretty big consequences and if you can get through the teen years without one of those challenges being put in front of you, you can count yourself as fortunate. We all think we raise our kids to know better, but hey, we were all young once and sometimes teens do and say things in the moment and the consequences aren't heavily weighed. And as parents all we can really do is teach them what is most important to us, relay the importance of priorities, make known the values we hope they will adopt, steer them in the right direction and then set them free into the world. No matter how good the lessons we've taught them, we just don't know what they're doing when not in our presence. We just have to hope and pray that are lessons got through and will guide them in making good choices. As they grown, we no longer have the luxury of making choices for them.

I was thinking the other day of all the things that he is now free to do as an adult. "He can vote now," I said in front of his brothers. "Yeah, and he can get married now," said one of his younger brothers. He could buy cigarettes now if he wanted to, I thought to myself. I'm hoping the voting will come sooner than later, a marriage is later rather than sooner and buying a pack of cigarettes happens never.

Our bank wouldn't let him open his own checking account and get a debit card until he was 18. He was eager to get that done and asked me to take him. I had a hectic day and decided I should send him on his own. He is an adult now and needs to learn to take care of things like his finances all by himself. The other day he had a dentist appointment. I realized that he's no longer a minor and should be able to handle driving to the dentist office he's been going to all his life for a simple cleaning. At first I felt a little mean even, urging him to do these things on his own. I don't want him to feel like I'm kicking him to the curb because he hit that magic birthday.

What else can he do now that he has reached adulthood? He can join the military without my consent if he chooses. He can also be drafted. His selective service information came in the mail last week - right on time. He now no longer has a legal curfew (although I'm of the belief that he's still under our roof and we'll still instill one -- although staying out past curfew hasn't been an issue so far.) He can sign a binding legal contract. He is no longer limited to how many passengers under 18 he can have in the car. He can now serve on a jury. He can buy a lottery ticket.  He can work longer hours. He can go to an adult entertainment establishment (I don't even want to think about that one.) He can buy insurance in his own name. He can apply for a credit card. He can get a tattoo. He can get a ticket to be in a studio audience of a television show. He can pawn something. He can buy a house. He can be convicted as an adult. He can get a library card without parental signature. He can enter the Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. He can go on a cruise. He can gamble in a handful of states, like Wyoming and Rhode Island. That doesn't mean he's going to go out and do all these things, but it's all now an option and a week ago it wasn't. Basically, the only restriction once you're 18 is not drinking alcohol.

Seems like just yesterday that he was falling asleep in my arms, I was feeding him from a spoon and pushing him in a stroller. Now he's grown up. He still has so much to learn and so much to experience and many roads to go down, but now I'll be watching from the sidelines most of the time, rather than being an active participant. Sometimes I feel like I'm still learning my way in this grown up world. Now there's another one in the ranks who will be learning his way, as well.

Taking flight

May is always an emotional month for me. There's always so much going on. I remember writing this column when my oldest one was in first grade about how sentimental I get during this time of year. I recall his spring musical and how I tried to hold back tears as I sat in the school gym watching it.

My youngest boy is now in first grade. His school musical was Monday afternoon. My husband was working and couldn't attend. His big brother came along to watch. That same boy who I wrote about in that column. First grade spring musicals make a mom kinda weepy anyway, but this one took the cake. My oldest son sitting there with me to watch my youngest.

Later that afternoon, my youngest guy came running in to tell me that he just rode his bike on the sidewalk in front of the house without falling down. My husband and I have been working on it with him, hoping he could soon learn and we'd be able to take a family bike ride this spring with every kid able to ride a bike on their own.

I went outside and watched. He did it! He was zipping down the sidewalk.

When they are babies you excite with every milestone. First smile. First bite of food. First time rolling over...then crawling, then walking, then talking. But it's no less exciting when they get bigger and lose their first tooth or ride their bike for the first time. Every milestone is special and meaningful. And of, course, when it's your baby and you know it's the last time you'll witness this first, it's a bit overwhelming. It's saddening and exhilarating at the same time to watch your little ones take flight.

He's taking flight on his first bike ride. His biggest brother attended his last day of high school - EVER!!! - yesterday. His graduation is next week. He's taking flight as well. It's a lot for a mom to take. 

And....next week, my second son has a birthday. His 13th!!! He's becoming a teenager. I can't even go there at the moment. A mom can only handle so much flying at a time.

Full circle

While families celebrated Mother's Day yesterday with brunches or shopping sprees or dinner get-togethers, I was cooped up inside. I had to work on Mother's Day. But, really, don't feel to sorry for me. I have this really awesome part time job. It does require working some weekends and my work day just happened to fall on Mother's Day. However, it hardly seemed like work. I work in a hospital taking pictures of newborns. I'm kind of like the third string person there and that's how I like it. I only work a few days a month, so sometimes I'll have a week or two off and then I can't wait to get back there and see a brand new baby.

So, I got to spend my Mother's Day with a bunch of brand new moms and the children they just welcomed into the world. When I went to see the first family of the day, there was a big sister in the room dressed up in a beautiful dress and I got some great shots of the two of them together.

What made it pretty cool is that this is the same hospital where all five of my kids were born. I was on the same floor where I labored and my babies took their first breaths and let out their first cries. I was in the same nursery where they were weighed and diapered and poked and prodded in their first hours. I was in the same unit where I first nursed them and where I caught catnaps in between the checks for vitals and the adjusting of the IVs. I was side by side with some of the nurses and aides who had been there when I was in labor and took who took care of me in the days that followed. This was the place I entered -- exactly 18 years ago this Saturday -- to be induced and later that day became a mother. So, being there on Mother's Day just kind of felt right. How many women can say they spent Mother's Day in the place where they actually became a mother? It was like a full circle moment.

Besides, there were lots of goodies waiting for me when I got home. Like this:

Everybody has one

It's Mother's Day. I've been feeling quite spoiled and appreciated lately and it's a super nice feeling. There have been a lot of meals lately that I haven't had to cook because hubby has been cooking on the grill. The boys have been especially thoughtful. I got the goodies they made at school - a key chain with a photo and drawing. A poem. A refrigerator magnet.

Yesterday I was gone at lunch with my sister. I came home to an empty house and when they all returned home, they had a peony bush and a hydrangea to plant in the front yard along with some border plants. My oldest stopped on his way home and got me some chocolate.

Although not every woman is a mother, every person has a mother. Everyone has some memory or reference to the woman who gave them life. For some it's a close relationship. For others it may be strained. Some may have their mothers close. Some may live far from her. Others may live with her. Some may have women who have played motherly roles. Some may have mothers who have departed for Heaven and whom they have only photographs and cloudy remembrances of times together. I'm so lucky that I still have my mom with us. Although I am terrified by the thought of her no longer being in my life, the reality is that there are not too many years that remain that she will be here. She's 76 after all and no one lives forever. I stopped over to visit her today and brought her a Peanut Buster Parfait. We chatted and laughed and hugged and I'm grateful for every second I get to be with her.

My heart breaks for those with mothers that they cannot visit. A good friend lost her mother last year and just this week lost her mother-in-law. I'm sorry it's such a sad time for her.

I also think about a woman I never met face to face, but who inspired me. In fact, my Mom Moments book is dedicated to both my mom and her - Sharon Leming. This is the song her son wrote about her. His second album was dedicated to her. Makes me cry every time I hear it.